


Meddling

by SelanPike



Category: MS Paint Adventures, Problem Sleuth - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 07:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelanPike/pseuds/SelanPike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Droog does on his own time is his own business, but Boxcars is all over this and now he’s got Deuce riled up too. If it draws attention away from your own love affairs then, well, fine, let’s meddle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meddling

You are Spades Slick and you’re incredibly relieved.  
For weeks Boxcars has been hounding you. Somehow he noticed that you’ve been sneaking out late at night—you don’t know how, GPI knows you’ve been careful, but he’s got a nose for gossip like a fucking bloodhound—and wants you to give up the fact that you’ve been meeting with Sleuth. You’re damn well sure it’s none of his fucking business.  
But that’s changed. Because now it’s Droog that’s been acting suspicious, and that is infinitely more interesting.  
Well, suspicious isn’t the word. He was entirely upfront. He told you that he didn’t need you to come to the opera with him anymore. You were happy about it, but curious enough to ask why. He said he found a date. That was that, really.  
You don’t really give a shit either way. What Droog does on his own time is his own business, and it’s not like it’s interfered with Crew business at all.  
But Boxcars is all over this and now he’s got Deuce riled up too. If it draws attention away from your own love affairs then, well, fine, let’s fucking meddle.

 **== > Be Hearts Boxcars.**

This is the news of the year right here! Fuck whatever it is Slick’s been up to, that scrawny asshole gets into all sorts of trouble. But Droog? That guy’s predictable as a… as a… well you’re not sure what, something poetic you suppose, poetic’s the sort of thing that suits him, and also he’s predictable, like you said. Maybe it was all the soap operas you watched, but you had an affinity for romance. You always hoped everyone in the Crew would find that special lady one day. Slick’s found lots of ladies, several in one night at times, but it ends quickly and with a lot of loud words and death threats from both parties. Not to mention that whatever he’s got going with Snowman, which usually bypasses the threats and goes straight to violence. You really hope whatever the fuck he’s doing now will work out, but you’re not going to bother getting your heart all aflutter over his dumb shit. Deuce never seemed to look at girls, except to get flustered and walk away. And you… you do not talk about your love life.  
In the past, Droog’s love life has been like a rival gang’s hideout after the four of you have gotten done with it. You know, because you bashed all their heads in. So they’re dead. Then suddenly he announces that date and it’s ruined all your ideas about how this goes. Droog, the guy who only loves himself, right? Who could the lucky girl be?

 **== > Be Clubs Deuce**

You’re really excited!! Droog has a girlfriend! You never expected that! You wonder who it is. Probably a pretty lady. Oh!! Or maybe he found a grey lady like he reads about in those periodicals that he keeps telling you not to read. Go back to your Black Inches, he says. You’re fine with Black Inches, but sometimes you wonder about other things, you know… grey ladies are nice too…  
Oh gosh you hope it’s a grey lady!!

 **== > Be Spades Slick**

Let’s back up here.

So you’re poring over your heist map when Droog leaves for like the third time this week. You don’t need him tonight anyway, whenever he helps you with your plans he makes things too fucking simple and efficient. His heists are boring as hell and you want nothing to do with them. So he leaves and a couple of minutes later Boxcars and Deuce walk in, all excited about something. You tell them to quiet the fuck down, you’re busy here. Boxcars tells you he overheard Droog on the phone and he knows where he’s meeting his date tonight. You tell him who gives a fuck.   
He says don’t you wanna know who the lucky lady is?   
You say she can’t be very lucky if she’s dating Droog.   
You go back and forth a bit with this and the whole conversation is pretty inane and you don’t bother to remember it later. But eventually you decide to humor the two of them and join their stupid fucking spying mission. You point out that it’s impossible to follow Droog anywhere without him noticing, but Deuce says that Droog isn’t supposed to arrive at the theater for an hour and it’s only a ten minute drive.  
So it’s a stakeout, then. This better not take too long. You were supposed to go see Sleuth after you finished your devious planning.

 **== > Be Hearts Boxcars**

You drive the car as Slick argues with Deuce over the likelihood of Droog’s girlfriend being a grey lady. He’s pretty sure Droog’s meeting a guy. Says Droog likes his suits so much he’s probably dating his tailor. You think that’s silly. You think it’s probably some nice lady who cooks him big meals. Probably too nice to know Droog’s a criminal. You’ll have to pretend to be his poker buddies when she’s around, but that’s okay. You’re pretty good at lying. You get to the place and park far away. You don’t want Droog seeing the car. None of you want to know what’ll happen if he catches you. It’ll probably involve his cuestick.  
That thing hurts pretty bad.  
You wonder when Droog’s gonna let you meet her properly. Without all this sneaking around, you mean. It’s not like you’d disapprove.

 **== > Be Clubs Deuce**

You find a bush to hide in. You’re really good at finding bushes to hide in, except you keep picking ones that’re too small so Boxcars has to do it. It’s not your fault everyone’s so tall, gosh! You got there kind of early so Slick complains for a while about being bored and having better places to be. Boxcars says oh yeah, like where? Slick mumbles something about it not being his business. Then you see Droog so you’re like shut up guys, he’s here!! And then they tell you maybe you shouldn’t talk so damn loud when you tell them to shut up.  
Droog is in a different suit than he was before, but you don’t know why because his suit from before was really nice. This one is nice too but it seems like a waste of time! You don’t understand fashion you guess. That’s what Droog says. He says a man’s got to cultivate an image. You don’t know what he means by that.  
Droog stands around for a while, a really long while, and it’s been ten minutes since the time he was supposed to meet his lady but she’s not there. He spends the whole time smoking. He doesn’t look worried though, so you’re not worried. She’ll show up, you know it.

 **== > Be Spades Slick**

This is such a huge waste of time and you know it. You need to leave soon if you don’t want Sleuth getting all pissy at you for not showing up on time. You’re pretty sure you won’t seem suspicious, though. You’ll just pretend to get fed up with waiting around—who are you kidding, you wouldn’t be pretending at all—and stomp off. Sleuth’s place isn’t even all that far from here. Yeah, you think you’re going to do that about now.  
No, wait. That friend of Sleuth’s is walking over. Pickle Inspector, the tall awkward one. He walks right up to Droog, who’s putting out his cigarette. You start to wonder if Boxcars and Deuce had this all wrong. It’s not like this’d be the first time that happened. This isn’t a date, this is a blackmail or something. Droog’s there to harass Pickle Inspector, which is pretty great if you do say so yourself. You wonder what sort of dirt Droog’s got on the guy.  
Pickle Inspector looks kind of worried, which is always the appropriate response to being given Droog’s full attention. Droog says something to him—you can’t hear what—and the Inspector looks away. Then Droog puts his hand on the Inspector’s cheek and kisses him.  
What.

 **== > Be Hearts Boxcars**

What the fuck is going on here.  
You bet that scrawny flatfoot can’t even cook Droog a proper meal.

 **== > Be Clubs Deuce**

  
Oh wow you guess it’s not a grey lady after all. You’re pretty disappointed. It’s not even a lady! You didn’t even realize guys were an option, but you guess it makes sense. You really just don’t think about these things enough. It’s so weird seeing Droog kiss someone though! He looks real gentle about it. After seeing him break as many legs as you have, it’s hard to imagine him being gentle ever. So weird!!

 **== > Be Spades Slick**

After the shock wears off your first thought is okay, well now you don’t have to worry so much about Droog finding out about you and Sleuth. It’s not like he can talk if he’s doing the same thing, right? But who the fuck are you kidding. He’d still kill you over it.  
Your next thought is fuck this shit, you didn’t care about this to begin with and you really need to get going. You wonder when the two of them are going to go inside so you can leave without him noticing you. Pickle Inspector takes Droog’s hand and they start to walk, but just when you’re starting to get up the Inspector stops and glances around. He says something to Droog. Droog looks around as well before his eyes lock on your location.  
Fuck.  
You try to scramble away as discreetly as possible but neither Boxcars nor Deuce are particularly graceful. Also Droog is fast. Droog reaches a hand into the bush and pulls Boxcars out, throwing him to the ground like he’s nothing. Well, okay, Boxcars was pretty off balance at the time, you probably could’ve done the same. You and Deuce step out into view willingly. You don’t want to agitate him any further.

 **== > Be Hearts Boxcars**

You just got a face full of dirt and you’re not happy about it. You pull yourself off the ground as Droog asks the three of you what the hell you think you’re doing here. Deuce explains pretty truthfully what’s up and you really wish he’d at least try to think up a lie. You would have tried to beat him to it and lie your ass off, but that face full of dirt had also given you a mouth full of dirt. You hate dirt. Droog looks at Slick and says he expected better from him. Slick shrugs and mutters something indistinct. By this time you got all the dirt out of your mouth and you ask Droog why the hell he’s getting all intimate with the enemy. Droog says you need to leave before he gets any angrier. He says you’ve earned yourself a pretty vicious beating but out of respect for his date he isn’t going to get violent. He says he can’t make promises if you keep talking though. You say something inappropriate that you later decide was uncalled for. He cracks you over the head with his cuestick. You really should have realized that he’d have his deck of cards with him.

 **== > Be Clubs Deuce**

Boxcars hits the ground and you kneel over him to make sure he’s okay. Boxcars is a tank though so all that’s wrong is that now he’s got a headache. Droog leans on his cuestick as Pickle Inspector runs over and tells him how rude it is to beat up one’s friends. Droog says that Boxcars was rude first. You think so too, but still think Droog shouldn’t have done that. You say to Droog that you’re sorry, it’s just that you really wanted to know who he was seeing! Droog doesn’t say anything to that, he just says that you should leave now.

 **== > Be Spades Slick**

Damn right you should leave. Clearly Droog’s the type who gets murderous when people fuck around with his love life and you can’t blame him because you’re the same way. And again, as you are so distinctly aware, you have other places to be. So you throw your hands in the air and tell Droog you really don’t give a shit one way or the other, but you better not see Droog go soft because of this. Droog asks what you take him for. You turn around and tell Boxcars and Deuce to get in the car and go back to the hideout. You’ve got things to do and you’ll see them tomorrow. You’re glad to have all this fucking drama done with.  
Pickle Inspector asks you to tell Sleuth that he put some case files under his door. You stop and look at him, and then at Droog.  
Droog’s face is… well, it’s the same as always, but there’s something under it that you don’t like.  
You say tell him yourself, it’s not like you’re going to see Sleuth anytime soon. Pickle Inspector gets this embarrassed look on his face like it’s never occurred to him that you never told your Crew about your secret affair and he looks down. How does he even know about that? If Sleuth blabbed you’ll kill him. Inspector says sorry, he doesn’t know why he thought you were going to see him. He says good night, have fun with whatever crime you’re planning.  
You stomp off.  
You are Spades Slick and you are incredibly pissed.


End file.
